I tried to go to Kumoricon. I pre-registered a couple months ago. That's pretty damn optimistic of me. Yes, things've been goin' all super awesome an' stuff lately, but really?

I want to do new things. I've never been able to do things now, and suddenly here I am with the ability to do things. I can go places and talk to people and make radio shows WITH MY MIND! I can cope with disastrous horribleness and not have it ruin my day. It used to be I'd freak out, spend an hour in the health-room, and then stubbornly go back to class in spite of the fact that once I freaked out I was more susceptible to anxiety and stood no chance of lasting the rest of the day in class. I wouldn't be able to stay in class for more than five minutes. Now I freak out, talk myself down, and keep a live freaking radio show running before going home with my friends and watching The Guild online 'til midnight without a problem. So... con? No sweat!

I made it to registration. I'm a lot better with crowds than I used to be. I can handle sitting in a small bar with a live band blaring music (maybe standing would be difficult, but SITTING at the bar, especially with a shepherds pie in front of me, is a peace of cake.) Something about this hotel got to me. It was hot. Heat is bad. I don't like heat. It was loud. Noise is bad. I don't like noise. I hadn't slept in a few days. I don't like insomnia. Insomnia is bad. It was just... uncomfortable. While everyone was in line to get their badge I left the hotel in order to go for a walk and calm down. Then a car alarm went off nearby and I completely freaked, taking off at full speed across the street until I realized I was prone to getting lost in Portland and didn't wish to repeat previous experiences of when I attended the Art Institute (you know those people that wander around screaming and swearing at open space for no discernible reason? I was one of those people once or twice.) I stuck my hand in a Benson Bubbler (one of those toxic drinking fountains that ought not be drank from) because I find cold water soothing and called up my mom. I basically told her the exact thing I was telling myself; listing all the reasons why everything would be okay and formulating a plan to cope. I knew that if things got too overwhelming at con I could do exactly what I was doing then in order to cool off and escape. I calmed down, went back inside, and even though I was still a little edgy I managed to stay there without a problem. Then I completely lost it later and had to go home in order to slam my head in my closet door.

I have this thing about "failure," and since I've been doing so well lately I took it even harder, which is weird in and of itself since I HAVE been doing better, and I'm kinda surprised I wasn't able to pull myself together. That Saturday I didn't even get out of my pajamas. I felt almost flu-like. I was crushed when I realized I had to call my girlfriend to tell her I wasn't going to be up to performing our skit, but when I did call her it was a relief. I'm used to having a girlfriend that gets pissed at everything I do and accuses me of being a selfish asshole for breathing out of turn. Being treated with respect is amazing, and I'm very grateful for it. I'm just not used to it, and I still have a tendency to apologize for every little thing, but... yeah... I'm neurotic... (...sorry...)

Sunday I managed to dress up in cosplay, but I was lacking in footwear since I had left my boots at the other house. Mom took me to Ross, and I couldn't handle it. ROSS! A freaking store! I couldn't stand to be in there. It felt like ye olde times. Shit, I remember walking into WinCo and having to leave immediately 'cause I'd get hysterical. I remember pulling into the parking lot at school and hiding under the dashboard of the car curled up in the fetal position and crying to go home. I've been doing so well, and I know I'm much too awesome to have fallen that far back, it's just... scary. I have friends and a "job" now. I start thinking about losing everything and... this train of thought needs to be rolled into a ditch and set aflame. There's nothing to worry about. SUNSHINE! RAINBOWS! KITTENS! DRYER FRESH BEDDING! BACON! (That's better.) I've been pushing myself. I need to take it easy for a bit, and then everything will be back to being completely kick-awesome. Lots of downtime with friends should help.

Monday we elected to forfeit the shoes. We made it to Portland, but I started getting lightheaded and dizzy in the air conditioned car. There was no way I was gonna make it to con. My friends gave me a call while I was at Cash and Carry looking for slider buns and they sang to over the phone. I don't remember ever having people do that for me. I missed them. I started beating myself up again since I wasn't able to be at con with them. (I wrote this somewhere before. A girl asked me one night if I was Jewish. I said, "I have a big nose, a guilt complex, and I hoard money. I might as well be." I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, but it came to mind.)

I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not sure what I can do about it. It'll probably pass and I'll be right back to kickin' ass. I must remember my training.

Drawing-wise... I really should start drawing actual people again, but I'm havin' fun drawin' Klunk. It might be best to start working on faces, working my way up to the rest of the body, then I can start learning how to design wardrobes. That might be the way to go... but I'm gonna slack off completely.

Happy Birthday to me! Plus the ten-year anniversary of the event lovingly referred to as "The Accident" is coming up. I should do something special for that. Maybe bake a cake that looks like broken Radius and Ulna... or cookies. Cookies would be easier, and then I can twist them 'til they break. I could frost them too. That'd be neat.

Good times ahead.